Big Brother

It was twelve years ago that my brother died unexpectedly.  I still remember getting the tearful call from my sister as if it was yesterday.  A big brother is a wonderful thing, at least it is for me.  He was a big brother in every sense of the word.  Older by ten years and always towering above me and  larger than life.  I idolized him not always for what he did but often for what he didn't do.  He didn't shout at me, he didn't pummel me and he didn't make me feel like a dumb little sister.  I had five older sisters that could do that!  He tickled me and teased me but he was never mean and it was always in fun.

I can't say he never made me cry.  Though his intentions were good there was the time he made me cry for a week.  He loved to tinker, to disassemble without reassembling and he loved to PAINT!  When he was in high school he worked on an old car and decided to paint it a bright royal blue, a nice color for a boy I thought.  In our one car attached garage draped with plastic sheeting, the painting commenced.  My mother was thrilled about the whole process, no doubt, with the fumes and the mess.  I was too little at the time to think it was anything but exciting.   He finished the car but had extra paint.  Super!  He found more things to paint bright blue.  He started with the metal tool box, moved to an old metal stool and still had more paint.  He decided to paint my old beat up rusting tricycle blue.  Not just the frame, oh no, he painted everything blue, the handlebars, the tires, everything!  I hated this trike, really I did, it was one of those huge ones a 12 year old could have ridden. But it was ALL I had and now every inch of it was painted boy blue. I was devastated, my old bike looked stupid. Of course my poor big brother thought he was doing me a favor and couldn't understand why his surprise was making me sob.  I don't think I ever rode it again so I took a two-wheeler down the hill on the next street over before I was prepared to do it!  I didn't end up in Ina's fish pond so I guess it went well.  I wish I had that blue trike for my yard now but at the time I wanted it in the dump on the other side of town.  His heart was in the right place as it always was.

There are so many great stories about my brother. He was such a comical guy.  A favorite memory is the time he lived up to his 'big teddy bear' status!  My parents left us one night with the big kids being in charge of the little kids.  Kids from large families know how this arrangement turns out!  Dressed up in my mom's mink coat and lumbering around on all-fours growling and swiping his paws at his little sisters, he caused a bit of a ruckus. My sister, being older and supposedly wiser than me, decided to shoo him away with the kitchen broom handle.  Better yet, give him a whack with it!  He probably deserved it but the whacking ended up on the dining room light fixture rather than the bear.  The oldest sisters flew into action with the white school glue to fix the crack which my mother didn't notice until years later when the glue started turning yellow.  We kept good secrets in those days.

I missed my brother when he left for college even though it meant I would have a permanent place at the kitchen table instead of eating at the breadboard, the wonderful kind that pulled out from the kitchen cabinetry.  It was the same breadboard where the homemade bread was cut and where the dozens of homemade cookies cooled.  It is easy for me to remember how many cookies my brother could sneak in one swipe of his big hand and how my mom would chastise him but smile when she turned her back to him.  One of my older sisters didn't take as kindly to his cookie snatching and flung the wooden spoon still full of cookie dough at him as he left the kitchen.  Her aim wasn't perfect but the spoon stuck nicely to the wall.  I would love to see his mischievous cookie stealing smile again and hear him giggle.

I grew up believing he was my protector and that he would do anything for me.  He was and he did.  From moving me into my first apartments in college to being best man at my wedding, he stood by me.  He helped fill the void in my heart and life when our parents died.  I felt like he would always be there and then, one day, he wasn't.  Just like that and with no warning, life was different.  Life was better with him. One thing I know is that he loved me and I loved him and that will never change....ever.

.